Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Seriously, stop shoulding on yourself for a minute and think about it. Where did that "should have" come from? Were you told you should never express anger because anger is bad? Were you taught you should always put family first? What were you taught with good intentions that has come back to haunt you?

Let's Talk About the "Shoulds" You've Been Told

Many times, the "should'ves" in our heads were put there by well-meaning teachers, parents, relatives, or friends. We learn from people who tell us we should be doing, feeling, or saying certain things. But ask yourself, is that really what you believe to be true? What are your observations, and how should you really be?

Combatting the "Shoulds":

1. Question the Source: Reflect on where the "should" originated. Is it based on someone else's expectations or your own values?

2. Reframe Your Thoughts: Instead of "I should," try saying "I choose to" or "I prefer to," which gives you more control over your actions.

3. Trust Your Judgment: Evaluate situations based on your own experiences and beliefs, rather than external pressures.

Then There's the "Could've Dones"

Sure, you could've done a lot of other things. There is an endless cycle of things that could've been done differently—there always is. But what you did do is what happened. "Could haves" are easy to see after the situation has unfolded; as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Instead of "could having" yourself to death, think about what happened and what you want to do differently next time. Not what other people say you could have done, but what you think you might do better next time. What do you feel you did right?

Combatting the "Could'ves":

1. Focus on Learning: View each experience as a learning opportunity rather than a mistake.

2. Acknowledge Your Efforts: Recognize what you did well and give yourself credit for your efforts.

3. Plan for the Future: Use your reflections to plan how you might handle similar situations differently in the future.

Last But Not Least, "Would've"

"Would've" is much like "could've" but with a slight difference. If only you would've known, right? Well, the thing about that situation is you didn't know. If you would've, things might have been different, but now you have new information. What will you do with that new information? What will you do differently next time? Will you look more deeply into a situation, or will you go in with the information you have available to you and make the best judgment you can? It's all up to you.

Combatting the "Would'ves":

1. Accept What You Didn't Know: Understand that it's impossible to predict everything and that not knowing is part of the human experience.

2. Use New Information Wisely: Take the new insights you've gained and apply them to future decisions.

3. Be Present: Focus on making the best decisions with the information you have now, rather than dwelling on what you didn't know before.

Here Are a Few Things to Consider

1. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and recognize that everyone makes mistakes and has regrets. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. If you missed our newsletter last week it’s all about self-compassion, check out last weeks newsletter The Importance of Self-Compassion.

2. Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that perfection is unattainable and that it's okay to not have all the answers. Allow yourself to learn and grow from each experience.

3. Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage you to be your best self without judgment. Sometimes, talking through your "should'ves, could'ves, and would'ves" with a trusted friend or counselor can provide valuable perspective.

Let's break free from the cycle of should've, could've, and would've. Embrace the present moment, learn from your experiences, and move forward with confidence and self-compassion.